So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
