I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize