i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
