I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
