I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
