The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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