I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
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