see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
