my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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