i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
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