When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
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