Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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