The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
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