just come out here and I will go home with you...
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
