my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
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