I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
