he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
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