Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
