You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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