I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
