wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
