The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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