I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
