I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
