i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
