He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
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