I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
