I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize