i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Randomize
