I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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