I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Use "feeling words"
Yay
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
