He kissed a someone with a penis
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
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