do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
