i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
We were destined to go to rehab together
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
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