I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize