so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
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