I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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