I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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