dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
My pussy is not your playground.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
