the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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