I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
We left an ass print on the piano.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
not ubering you a puppy
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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