I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I have fence marks all over my body
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
