I think my fart just growled at me.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
