my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Randomize
