oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
you made out with another girl for some wings
Randomize
