I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
