He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
