I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
