i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
You can't just leave with hair like that
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
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