Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
