I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Of course I have a pirate flag
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
