It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
