Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
don't judge my taste in strippers
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
