I faked an abortion last night.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
