This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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