just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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