you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
