dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
