I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
