I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I just had sex on a roof
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
