I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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