I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
