Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
We have started to decorate penises.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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