I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
