I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Randomize
