watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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